CHICAGO—Just days after beating long odds in the NBA Draft Lottery by winning the 2008 draft's first pick, the Chicago Bulls shocked the basketball world by announcing that they would trade their prize in on yet more NBA lottery tickets.
"This is pretty good, this No. 1 pick, it's true," Bulls general manager John Paxson told reporters while watching pre-draft workouts at the United Center. "We could probably get a pretty good player. But you see, if we cash it in and play the NBA Draft Lottery some more, we have a chance to win, like, the whole draft. Our team can't afford to pass up a chance like that."
Basketball experts reacted to the move with skepticism bordering on scorn.
"I really thought the big question for the Bulls would be whether to take Derrick Rose at point guard or Michael Beasley at power forward," said Chicago Sun-Times reporter Jay Mariotti. "But now they're going to try and win the entire draft? Typical Bulls move. They're going to lose it all, you know. No wonder they don't have a coach yet."
"Do they understand the actual odds of winning a lottery are something like 30 million to one?" said ESPN's Marc Stein. "They had a two percent chance to get even this far. They should quit while they're ahead, or at least trade down, maybe get Brook Lopez at center, a position they really need."
"Even if they somehow beat the odds and pull it off, look at what they'd get," Stein added. "The 2008 Draft sucks! Kosta Koufos? Chase Budinger? Is it worth risking it all for Geert Hammink? Some jackpot."
Still, Bulls management stands by the decision.
"I hear these people second-guessing our decision to re-invest the top pick," team owner Jerry Reinsdorf said Monday, "and it reminds me of 1984, when everyone wanted Hakeem Olajuwon or Sam Bowie and we wound up with a player you might have heard of named Michael Jordan. Well, just think of the entire 2008 Draft as the second coming of Michael Jordan."
The Bulls front office was immediately inundated with phone calls, letters, and e-mails from fans insisting that the entire 2008 class, though certainly good, was no Michael Jordan.
Meanwhile, NBA Commissioner David Stern has not yet made a decision as to whether he would allow the Bulls to make the risky and controversial move, saying he was still weighing his options.
"As dangerous as trading in the first pick for more lottery tickets would be, it would also set a dangerous precedent if we started telling teams what they could and couldn't do with their lottery winnings," said Stern, while noting that the overwhelming majority of NBA Draft Lottery winners were destitute basement-dwellers less than five years later. "That said, I would certainly counsel the Bulls to think long and hard about what they're doing before going for the whole thing. The whole situation makes me wonder if having a lottery isn't a bad idea to begin with."
"Still, I won't stop the Bulls from doing this if that's what they want," Stern added. "But you know what? I'm not altogether certain that the draft lottery really works this way."
5/24/2008
Area Man Has Great Idea For Slam Dunk
TORRINGTON, WY—Local export licenser Andy Rosenwald, 47, announced Monday that he recently came up with a revolutionary new idea for a slam dunk, and that he is willing to share the idea with any professional basketball player who would like to perform it.
"I'm sitting on a gold mine here," said Rosenwald, who reportedly conceived of the dunk while watching NBA highlights on SportsCenter last week. "I saw guys doing other dunks, and this one just popped into my head. I was like, hey, that's pretty good."
Since then, Rosenwald has focused on getting the word out about his dunk idea, admitting that it is "not doing any good just sitting here" in his Torrington home.
"I'm just the idea man," said Rosenwald, noting that he himself is unable to dunk a basketball.
According to Rosenwald's descriptions and several crude sketches made on looseleaf paper, the dunk involves the player running toward the hoop, tossing the basketball off the backboard, jumping up while spinning around 180 degrees in midair, and catching the ball above his head while his back is facing the hoop. At this point, Rosenwald said, it gets a little tricky. The player, still in the air, must then palm the ball with his right hand, transfer it behind his back to his left hand, and, upon completing his full 360-degree spin, dunk the ball over the left side of the rim.
"You could call it the Whirly Bird," Rosenwald said.
Rosenwald is offering the idea free of charge and accepting all serious requests. He said that if any NBA players are interested in using his dunk, or want to talk to him further about it in person, they should contact him immediately.
"It would be perfect for Michael Jordan, but he's retired, so I wouldn't mind giving it to a guy like LeBron James or Karl Malone," Rosenwald said. "Preferably someone good, because it's pretty hard."
After coming up with the framework for the dunk, Rosenwald reportedly spent a few minutes each day tweaking it and mapping it out to make sure the move was feasible.
"I tried it in slow motion with a balled-up sock and my hamper," he said. "It works."
"It's all about going up, under, and around, and then in," added Rosenwald, who then demonstrated the dunk's feasibility by standing on his tiptoes, grabbing the top of his bedroom door frame with both hands, and excitedly saying, "Slam."
Although Rosenwald admitted the dunk is probably best suited for an official slam-dunk contest, he said it would be "very cool" to see it performed during a live NBA game.
"If it was in a game, the guy could, instead of tossing the ball off the backboard, he could bounce it really hard through the other guy's legs," Rosenwald said. "I think the fans would enjoy that."
Rosenwald also said it would be preferable if, as the player slammed the ball through the hoop, he pointed to the cameras and shouted "Rosenwald!" or "Rosenwald, baby!" to give him credit for the idea, but noted that it would not be necessary.
"The real reward would be seeing a dunk I invented on the highlight reel," Rosenwald said. "The SportsCenter guy could say 'cool as the other side of the pillow' for it."
If NBA players enjoy this idea and begin using the dunk in regular season and playoff games, Rosenwald said he has "plenty more where that came from." He has already been mentally workshopping several other dunks, including one in which the player throws a "really high" alley-oop to himself, one in which the player spins the ball on his finger before dunking it, and one where the player uses one hand to do a "backwards dunk" through the bottom of the net, then grabs it with his other hand and slams it back down.
Rosenwald also recently came up with what he has termed a "cool dribble move," which involves the player pretending to go one way, then bouncing the ball off his knee in the opposite direction.
"I'm not sure if it's legal to hit the ball with your knee," Rosenwald said. "Maybe the Harlem Globetrotter guys would like that one."
In the meantime, Rosenwald remains committed to not letting his dunk idea go to waste.
"I told the idea to my son, and I think he thought it was pretty cool," he said. "Maybe he could tell it to his [Torrington Junior High j.v. basketball] coach, who maybe has connections to the NBA. Then this idea can finally get off the ground."
"I'm sitting on a gold mine here," said Rosenwald, who reportedly conceived of the dunk while watching NBA highlights on SportsCenter last week. "I saw guys doing other dunks, and this one just popped into my head. I was like, hey, that's pretty good."
Since then, Rosenwald has focused on getting the word out about his dunk idea, admitting that it is "not doing any good just sitting here" in his Torrington home.
"I'm just the idea man," said Rosenwald, noting that he himself is unable to dunk a basketball.
According to Rosenwald's descriptions and several crude sketches made on looseleaf paper, the dunk involves the player running toward the hoop, tossing the basketball off the backboard, jumping up while spinning around 180 degrees in midair, and catching the ball above his head while his back is facing the hoop. At this point, Rosenwald said, it gets a little tricky. The player, still in the air, must then palm the ball with his right hand, transfer it behind his back to his left hand, and, upon completing his full 360-degree spin, dunk the ball over the left side of the rim.
"You could call it the Whirly Bird," Rosenwald said.
Rosenwald is offering the idea free of charge and accepting all serious requests. He said that if any NBA players are interested in using his dunk, or want to talk to him further about it in person, they should contact him immediately.
"It would be perfect for Michael Jordan, but he's retired, so I wouldn't mind giving it to a guy like LeBron James or Karl Malone," Rosenwald said. "Preferably someone good, because it's pretty hard."
After coming up with the framework for the dunk, Rosenwald reportedly spent a few minutes each day tweaking it and mapping it out to make sure the move was feasible.
"I tried it in slow motion with a balled-up sock and my hamper," he said. "It works."
"It's all about going up, under, and around, and then in," added Rosenwald, who then demonstrated the dunk's feasibility by standing on his tiptoes, grabbing the top of his bedroom door frame with both hands, and excitedly saying, "Slam."
Although Rosenwald admitted the dunk is probably best suited for an official slam-dunk contest, he said it would be "very cool" to see it performed during a live NBA game.
"If it was in a game, the guy could, instead of tossing the ball off the backboard, he could bounce it really hard through the other guy's legs," Rosenwald said. "I think the fans would enjoy that."
Rosenwald also said it would be preferable if, as the player slammed the ball through the hoop, he pointed to the cameras and shouted "Rosenwald!" or "Rosenwald, baby!" to give him credit for the idea, but noted that it would not be necessary.
"The real reward would be seeing a dunk I invented on the highlight reel," Rosenwald said. "The SportsCenter guy could say 'cool as the other side of the pillow' for it."
If NBA players enjoy this idea and begin using the dunk in regular season and playoff games, Rosenwald said he has "plenty more where that came from." He has already been mentally workshopping several other dunks, including one in which the player throws a "really high" alley-oop to himself, one in which the player spins the ball on his finger before dunking it, and one where the player uses one hand to do a "backwards dunk" through the bottom of the net, then grabs it with his other hand and slams it back down.
Rosenwald also recently came up with what he has termed a "cool dribble move," which involves the player pretending to go one way, then bouncing the ball off his knee in the opposite direction.
"I'm not sure if it's legal to hit the ball with your knee," Rosenwald said. "Maybe the Harlem Globetrotter guys would like that one."
In the meantime, Rosenwald remains committed to not letting his dunk idea go to waste.
"I told the idea to my son, and I think he thought it was pretty cool," he said. "Maybe he could tell it to his [Torrington Junior High j.v. basketball] coach, who maybe has connections to the NBA. Then this idea can finally get off the ground."
5/23/2008
San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge
SAN DIEGO—Plagued by a lack of funding and growing staff shortages, the San Diego Zoo and Ironwood State Prison were combined earlier this week, bringing local inmates and wildlife together for the first time under the same roof.
The new state-of-the-art facility—which will house 12 separate cell blocks, a reptile house, two weight rooms, and a primate sanctuary—is expected to save the state of California up to $5 million in operation costs over the next year.
"It is with great pride that I announce the opening of the San Diego Maximum Security Zoological & Convict Reserve," director David Hennessey said at an opening ceremony Tuesday. "From southern white rhinos to repeat offenders serving 20 years for drug trafficking—you'll find them all here at our amazing new facility."
Construction on the resource-sharing project concluded last Wednesday, after which felons and fauna were carefully transferred to their new joint living space. According to Hennessey, the 40-acre facility features one of the largest collections of migratory birds, hoofed mammals, and hardened inmates in all of North America.
"This is, without a doubt, the only facility of its kind," said warden Jeff Thurston, noting the zoo-prison's authentic natural environments and thick bullet-proof glass. "At any given time, visitors may be able to spot as many as three parole violators and up to five adult black bears in the same holding cell. During scheduled feedings, that number may be even higher."
The San Diego complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons and state-appointed defense lawyers, and is expected to help boost the city's struggling tourism industry. Thurston said that visitors have so far responded favorably to the new facility, with many citing the "Emperor Penguin And Death Row" exhibit as their personal favorite.
The complex will reportedly also feature a number of "Scared Straight" talks each week, during which young visitors will simultaneously learn about the dangers of breaking the law, as well as what happens when a male lowland gorilla suddenly feels threatened.
"I got to see the little baby pandas, and the monkeys, and the zebras," said 8-year-old Michael Nayman, who was taken by his mother to the part-zoo, part-prison compound. "And then I went and saw Daddy. But he wasn't as much fun as the pandas. He just sat in his cage and cried a little."
Despite a positive opening day, officials admitted that the San Diego facility has experienced a number of setbacks. On Tuesday, a scuffle in the shared cafeteria forced officials to fire a series of elephant-tranquilizer shots, leaving three inmates unconscious for days. In addition, a red-tailed Indonesian peacock was found stabbed to death on Thursday, after a group of prisoners accused the three-foot-tall bird of flashing colors of a rival gang in their direction.
"We've been forced to expand our infirmary unit nearly tenfold in the last week," chief nurse Margaret Hodge said. "Unfortunately, the arrival of rhinoceros mating season has made things worse, leading to the gruesome deaths of almost 50 inmates in our communal showers."
According to officials, the institution has also suffered from three recent breakout attempts, including an ill-fated effort last Friday by Enrique Gonzalez, 36, to scale a reticulated giraffe up and over the compound's barbed-wire perimeter fencing. In addition, a 280-pound Bengal tiger was accidentally granted parole after its file was confused with that of mail-fraud convict Cole Bucholz, 47.
Since the merger, officials at San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve have received a record 600 requests from inmates wishing to be transferred to another maximum-security facility. In addition, officials have received 20 requests from inmates begging to have the dates of their execution pushed forward.
"I've been in a number of prisons in my life, but nothing compares to this," said inmate Casey Ingersoll, who despite previously committing violent murders was still horrified after witnessing a fellow convict ambushed by three Komodo dragons. "If I stay here much longer, I'll have to join up with either the Anteaters or White Supremacists for protection."
While many local residents support the new facility, particularly due to the large number of jobs it has created, some have recently spoken out against the Zoological & Convict Reserve.
"To see all those poor souls forced to live in confined living quarters, with little to no sunlight, and no hope of freedom, it's just so inhumane," San Diego housewife Carol Wurster said. "Those otters deserve better."
The San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve's formation has been the most controvercial merger since Orlando's SeaWorld and the Ryan E. Puttnam Mental Asylum were hastily consolidated earlier this year.
The new state-of-the-art facility—which will house 12 separate cell blocks, a reptile house, two weight rooms, and a primate sanctuary—is expected to save the state of California up to $5 million in operation costs over the next year.
"It is with great pride that I announce the opening of the San Diego Maximum Security Zoological & Convict Reserve," director David Hennessey said at an opening ceremony Tuesday. "From southern white rhinos to repeat offenders serving 20 years for drug trafficking—you'll find them all here at our amazing new facility."
Construction on the resource-sharing project concluded last Wednesday, after which felons and fauna were carefully transferred to their new joint living space. According to Hennessey, the 40-acre facility features one of the largest collections of migratory birds, hoofed mammals, and hardened inmates in all of North America.
"This is, without a doubt, the only facility of its kind," said warden Jeff Thurston, noting the zoo-prison's authentic natural environments and thick bullet-proof glass. "At any given time, visitors may be able to spot as many as three parole violators and up to five adult black bears in the same holding cell. During scheduled feedings, that number may be even higher."
The San Diego complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons and state-appointed defense lawyers, and is expected to help boost the city's struggling tourism industry. Thurston said that visitors have so far responded favorably to the new facility, with many citing the "Emperor Penguin And Death Row" exhibit as their personal favorite.
The complex will reportedly also feature a number of "Scared Straight" talks each week, during which young visitors will simultaneously learn about the dangers of breaking the law, as well as what happens when a male lowland gorilla suddenly feels threatened.
"I got to see the little baby pandas, and the monkeys, and the zebras," said 8-year-old Michael Nayman, who was taken by his mother to the part-zoo, part-prison compound. "And then I went and saw Daddy. But he wasn't as much fun as the pandas. He just sat in his cage and cried a little."
Despite a positive opening day, officials admitted that the San Diego facility has experienced a number of setbacks. On Tuesday, a scuffle in the shared cafeteria forced officials to fire a series of elephant-tranquilizer shots, leaving three inmates unconscious for days. In addition, a red-tailed Indonesian peacock was found stabbed to death on Thursday, after a group of prisoners accused the three-foot-tall bird of flashing colors of a rival gang in their direction.
"We've been forced to expand our infirmary unit nearly tenfold in the last week," chief nurse Margaret Hodge said. "Unfortunately, the arrival of rhinoceros mating season has made things worse, leading to the gruesome deaths of almost 50 inmates in our communal showers."
According to officials, the institution has also suffered from three recent breakout attempts, including an ill-fated effort last Friday by Enrique Gonzalez, 36, to scale a reticulated giraffe up and over the compound's barbed-wire perimeter fencing. In addition, a 280-pound Bengal tiger was accidentally granted parole after its file was confused with that of mail-fraud convict Cole Bucholz, 47.
Since the merger, officials at San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve have received a record 600 requests from inmates wishing to be transferred to another maximum-security facility. In addition, officials have received 20 requests from inmates begging to have the dates of their execution pushed forward.
"I've been in a number of prisons in my life, but nothing compares to this," said inmate Casey Ingersoll, who despite previously committing violent murders was still horrified after witnessing a fellow convict ambushed by three Komodo dragons. "If I stay here much longer, I'll have to join up with either the Anteaters or White Supremacists for protection."
While many local residents support the new facility, particularly due to the large number of jobs it has created, some have recently spoken out against the Zoological & Convict Reserve.
"To see all those poor souls forced to live in confined living quarters, with little to no sunlight, and no hope of freedom, it's just so inhumane," San Diego housewife Carol Wurster said. "Those otters deserve better."
The San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve's formation has been the most controvercial merger since Orlando's SeaWorld and the Ryan E. Puttnam Mental Asylum were hastily consolidated earlier this year.
Obama, Clinton, McCain Join Forces To Form Nightmare Ticket
WASHINGTON—Presidential hopefuls John McCain (R-AZ), Barack Obama (D-IL), and Hillary Clinton (D-NY) announced Monday their plans to form what many Beltway observers have already dubbed the "2008 Nightmare Ticket," a calculated move that political analysts say offers voters the worst of both worlds.
After nearly a year of verbal attacks and negative campaign ads, the nominees announced that, for the good of the country, they were willing to push their differences to the forefront and grant the American people the ticket they've been dreading all along.
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"No other ticket is capable of rallying this nation around a clearer, more unified message of chaos and hopelessness," the candidates said in unison from three separate podiums, each adorned with its own American flag arrangement and personal message. "Together, we will lead this nation into the future—a future where absolute deadlock over even the most minute decisions and total inefficiency on matters of the war, the economy, and the environment will launch a bold new age of confusion and social decay. For America, the only choice is [indecipherable]!"
The candidates said they had not yet decided who would fill the offices of president, vice president, and a new post the nominees are calling "the middle president." They did, however, confirm that each would choose his or her own full cabinet, would be able to veto any bills the others sign into law, and would reserve the right to cast the tie-breaking, tie-making, and tie-rebreaking votes in the Senate.
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The candidates on a campaign stop in Kansas.
"This nightmare ticket presents the American people with an unprecedented lack of opportunity in 2008," Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wrote Tuesday. "For just one vote, citizens will get four years of McCain's brilliant temper, the incredible inexperience of Barack Obama, and the powerful two-headed monster of Hillary and Bill Clinton."
"It will be very exciting to see what they're capable of destroying, " Cohen added.
According to campaign managers, the triple ticket will run on a revolutionary new platform crafted during three highly contentious weeks in April.
At the top of the platform is a military strategy calling for the phased withdrawal of .000006 brigades from Iraq and Afghanistan every seven months over the next 350 years. Universal health care would also be provided, taken away on McCain's birthday, and then provided again only to those wealthy enough to afford it. Abortions would be made available on every other even-numbered Friday from 3:00 to 4:00 p.m. EST to all women who can prove residency in Alaska or Nevada. And an entirely new immigration policy will be instituted, sources said, as soon as the candidates can stand to be in the same room with one another for more than five minutes.
Aides to Sen. Clinton also confirmed that the trio plans to create two separate federal governments—one large and one small—which would be instituted within the first 100 days of the Clinton/McCain/Obama White House or, according to Obama chief strategist David Axelrod, the Obama/McCain/Clinton White House.
"Getting three political all-stars together like this is a clear lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved," NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell said. "By themselves, none would have been capable of uniting the country. But the possibilities of what they could do together to drive it ever further apart are limitless."
A CBS News/New York Times poll taken after the announcement revealed that the nightmare ticket has invigorated almost all voters, inspiring blacks, whites, senior citizens, college graduates, liberals, conservatives, both blue-collar and white-collar workers, and military veterans alike to remain at home by the millions this November, exercising their American right not to vote.
"So now a vote for Clinton is also a vote for McCain and Obama?" 43-year-old West Virginia resident Joe Biller said. "Jesus Christ."
Added Biller. "Looks like I'll be going with Nader/LaRouche/Sharpton/Ventura/Edwards after all."
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