CHICAGO—Just days after beating long odds in the NBA Draft Lottery by winning the 2008 draft's first pick, the Chicago Bulls shocked the basketball world by announcing that they would trade their prize in on yet more NBA lottery tickets.
"This is pretty good, this No. 1 pick, it's true," Bulls general manager John Paxson told reporters while watching pre-draft workouts at the United Center. "We could probably get a pretty good player. But you see, if we cash it in and play the NBA Draft Lottery some more, we have a chance to win, like, the whole draft. Our team can't afford to pass up a chance like that."
Basketball experts reacted to the move with skepticism bordering on scorn.
"I really thought the big question for the Bulls would be whether to take Derrick Rose at point guard or Michael Beasley at power forward," said Chicago Sun-Times reporter Jay Mariotti. "But now they're going to try and win the entire draft? Typical Bulls move. They're going to lose it all, you know. No wonder they don't have a coach yet."
"Do they understand the actual odds of winning a lottery are something like 30 million to one?" said ESPN's Marc Stein. "They had a two percent chance to get even this far. They should quit while they're ahead, or at least trade down, maybe get Brook Lopez at center, a position they really need."
"Even if they somehow beat the odds and pull it off, look at what they'd get," Stein added. "The 2008 Draft sucks! Kosta Koufos? Chase Budinger? Is it worth risking it all for Geert Hammink? Some jackpot."
Still, Bulls management stands by the decision.
"I hear these people second-guessing our decision to re-invest the top pick," team owner Jerry Reinsdorf said Monday, "and it reminds me of 1984, when everyone wanted Hakeem Olajuwon or Sam Bowie and we wound up with a player you might have heard of named Michael Jordan. Well, just think of the entire 2008 Draft as the second coming of Michael Jordan."
The Bulls front office was immediately inundated with phone calls, letters, and e-mails from fans insisting that the entire 2008 class, though certainly good, was no Michael Jordan.
Meanwhile, NBA Commissioner David Stern has not yet made a decision as to whether he would allow the Bulls to make the risky and controversial move, saying he was still weighing his options.
"As dangerous as trading in the first pick for more lottery tickets would be, it would also set a dangerous precedent if we started telling teams what they could and couldn't do with their lottery winnings," said Stern, while noting that the overwhelming majority of NBA Draft Lottery winners were destitute basement-dwellers less than five years later. "That said, I would certainly counsel the Bulls to think long and hard about what they're doing before going for the whole thing. The whole situation makes me wonder if having a lottery isn't a bad idea to begin with."
"Still, I won't stop the Bulls from doing this if that's what they want," Stern added. "But you know what? I'm not altogether certain that the draft lottery really works this way."
5/24/2008
Area Man Has Great Idea For Slam Dunk
TORRINGTON, WY—Local export licenser Andy Rosenwald, 47, announced Monday that he recently came up with a revolutionary new idea for a slam dunk, and that he is willing to share the idea with any professional basketball player who would like to perform it.
"I'm sitting on a gold mine here," said Rosenwald, who reportedly conceived of the dunk while watching NBA highlights on SportsCenter last week. "I saw guys doing other dunks, and this one just popped into my head. I was like, hey, that's pretty good."
Since then, Rosenwald has focused on getting the word out about his dunk idea, admitting that it is "not doing any good just sitting here" in his Torrington home.
"I'm just the idea man," said Rosenwald, noting that he himself is unable to dunk a basketball.
According to Rosenwald's descriptions and several crude sketches made on looseleaf paper, the dunk involves the player running toward the hoop, tossing the basketball off the backboard, jumping up while spinning around 180 degrees in midair, and catching the ball above his head while his back is facing the hoop. At this point, Rosenwald said, it gets a little tricky. The player, still in the air, must then palm the ball with his right hand, transfer it behind his back to his left hand, and, upon completing his full 360-degree spin, dunk the ball over the left side of the rim.
"You could call it the Whirly Bird," Rosenwald said.
Rosenwald is offering the idea free of charge and accepting all serious requests. He said that if any NBA players are interested in using his dunk, or want to talk to him further about it in person, they should contact him immediately.
"It would be perfect for Michael Jordan, but he's retired, so I wouldn't mind giving it to a guy like LeBron James or Karl Malone," Rosenwald said. "Preferably someone good, because it's pretty hard."
After coming up with the framework for the dunk, Rosenwald reportedly spent a few minutes each day tweaking it and mapping it out to make sure the move was feasible.
"I tried it in slow motion with a balled-up sock and my hamper," he said. "It works."
"It's all about going up, under, and around, and then in," added Rosenwald, who then demonstrated the dunk's feasibility by standing on his tiptoes, grabbing the top of his bedroom door frame with both hands, and excitedly saying, "Slam."
Although Rosenwald admitted the dunk is probably best suited for an official slam-dunk contest, he said it would be "very cool" to see it performed during a live NBA game.
"If it was in a game, the guy could, instead of tossing the ball off the backboard, he could bounce it really hard through the other guy's legs," Rosenwald said. "I think the fans would enjoy that."
Rosenwald also said it would be preferable if, as the player slammed the ball through the hoop, he pointed to the cameras and shouted "Rosenwald!" or "Rosenwald, baby!" to give him credit for the idea, but noted that it would not be necessary.
"The real reward would be seeing a dunk I invented on the highlight reel," Rosenwald said. "The SportsCenter guy could say 'cool as the other side of the pillow' for it."
If NBA players enjoy this idea and begin using the dunk in regular season and playoff games, Rosenwald said he has "plenty more where that came from." He has already been mentally workshopping several other dunks, including one in which the player throws a "really high" alley-oop to himself, one in which the player spins the ball on his finger before dunking it, and one where the player uses one hand to do a "backwards dunk" through the bottom of the net, then grabs it with his other hand and slams it back down.
Rosenwald also recently came up with what he has termed a "cool dribble move," which involves the player pretending to go one way, then bouncing the ball off his knee in the opposite direction.
"I'm not sure if it's legal to hit the ball with your knee," Rosenwald said. "Maybe the Harlem Globetrotter guys would like that one."
In the meantime, Rosenwald remains committed to not letting his dunk idea go to waste.
"I told the idea to my son, and I think he thought it was pretty cool," he said. "Maybe he could tell it to his [Torrington Junior High j.v. basketball] coach, who maybe has connections to the NBA. Then this idea can finally get off the ground."
"I'm sitting on a gold mine here," said Rosenwald, who reportedly conceived of the dunk while watching NBA highlights on SportsCenter last week. "I saw guys doing other dunks, and this one just popped into my head. I was like, hey, that's pretty good."
Since then, Rosenwald has focused on getting the word out about his dunk idea, admitting that it is "not doing any good just sitting here" in his Torrington home.
"I'm just the idea man," said Rosenwald, noting that he himself is unable to dunk a basketball.
According to Rosenwald's descriptions and several crude sketches made on looseleaf paper, the dunk involves the player running toward the hoop, tossing the basketball off the backboard, jumping up while spinning around 180 degrees in midair, and catching the ball above his head while his back is facing the hoop. At this point, Rosenwald said, it gets a little tricky. The player, still in the air, must then palm the ball with his right hand, transfer it behind his back to his left hand, and, upon completing his full 360-degree spin, dunk the ball over the left side of the rim.
"You could call it the Whirly Bird," Rosenwald said.
Rosenwald is offering the idea free of charge and accepting all serious requests. He said that if any NBA players are interested in using his dunk, or want to talk to him further about it in person, they should contact him immediately.
"It would be perfect for Michael Jordan, but he's retired, so I wouldn't mind giving it to a guy like LeBron James or Karl Malone," Rosenwald said. "Preferably someone good, because it's pretty hard."
After coming up with the framework for the dunk, Rosenwald reportedly spent a few minutes each day tweaking it and mapping it out to make sure the move was feasible.
"I tried it in slow motion with a balled-up sock and my hamper," he said. "It works."
"It's all about going up, under, and around, and then in," added Rosenwald, who then demonstrated the dunk's feasibility by standing on his tiptoes, grabbing the top of his bedroom door frame with both hands, and excitedly saying, "Slam."
Although Rosenwald admitted the dunk is probably best suited for an official slam-dunk contest, he said it would be "very cool" to see it performed during a live NBA game.
"If it was in a game, the guy could, instead of tossing the ball off the backboard, he could bounce it really hard through the other guy's legs," Rosenwald said. "I think the fans would enjoy that."
Rosenwald also said it would be preferable if, as the player slammed the ball through the hoop, he pointed to the cameras and shouted "Rosenwald!" or "Rosenwald, baby!" to give him credit for the idea, but noted that it would not be necessary.
"The real reward would be seeing a dunk I invented on the highlight reel," Rosenwald said. "The SportsCenter guy could say 'cool as the other side of the pillow' for it."
If NBA players enjoy this idea and begin using the dunk in regular season and playoff games, Rosenwald said he has "plenty more where that came from." He has already been mentally workshopping several other dunks, including one in which the player throws a "really high" alley-oop to himself, one in which the player spins the ball on his finger before dunking it, and one where the player uses one hand to do a "backwards dunk" through the bottom of the net, then grabs it with his other hand and slams it back down.
Rosenwald also recently came up with what he has termed a "cool dribble move," which involves the player pretending to go one way, then bouncing the ball off his knee in the opposite direction.
"I'm not sure if it's legal to hit the ball with your knee," Rosenwald said. "Maybe the Harlem Globetrotter guys would like that one."
In the meantime, Rosenwald remains committed to not letting his dunk idea go to waste.
"I told the idea to my son, and I think he thought it was pretty cool," he said. "Maybe he could tell it to his [Torrington Junior High j.v. basketball] coach, who maybe has connections to the NBA. Then this idea can finally get off the ground."
5/23/2008
San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge
SAN DIEGO—Plagued by a lack of funding and growing staff shortages, the San Diego Zoo and Ironwood State Prison were combined earlier this week, bringing local inmates and wildlife together for the first time under the same roof.
The new state-of-the-art facility—which will house 12 separate cell blocks, a reptile house, two weight rooms, and a primate sanctuary—is expected to save the state of California up to $5 million in operation costs over the next year.
"It is with great pride that I announce the opening of the San Diego Maximum Security Zoological & Convict Reserve," director David Hennessey said at an opening ceremony Tuesday. "From southern white rhinos to repeat offenders serving 20 years for drug trafficking—you'll find them all here at our amazing new facility."
Construction on the resource-sharing project concluded last Wednesday, after which felons and fauna were carefully transferred to their new joint living space. According to Hennessey, the 40-acre facility features one of the largest collections of migratory birds, hoofed mammals, and hardened inmates in all of North America.
"This is, without a doubt, the only facility of its kind," said warden Jeff Thurston, noting the zoo-prison's authentic natural environments and thick bullet-proof glass. "At any given time, visitors may be able to spot as many as three parole violators and up to five adult black bears in the same holding cell. During scheduled feedings, that number may be even higher."
The San Diego complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons and state-appointed defense lawyers, and is expected to help boost the city's struggling tourism industry. Thurston said that visitors have so far responded favorably to the new facility, with many citing the "Emperor Penguin And Death Row" exhibit as their personal favorite.
The complex will reportedly also feature a number of "Scared Straight" talks each week, during which young visitors will simultaneously learn about the dangers of breaking the law, as well as what happens when a male lowland gorilla suddenly feels threatened.
"I got to see the little baby pandas, and the monkeys, and the zebras," said 8-year-old Michael Nayman, who was taken by his mother to the part-zoo, part-prison compound. "And then I went and saw Daddy. But he wasn't as much fun as the pandas. He just sat in his cage and cried a little."
Despite a positive opening day, officials admitted that the San Diego facility has experienced a number of setbacks. On Tuesday, a scuffle in the shared cafeteria forced officials to fire a series of elephant-tranquilizer shots, leaving three inmates unconscious for days. In addition, a red-tailed Indonesian peacock was found stabbed to death on Thursday, after a group of prisoners accused the three-foot-tall bird of flashing colors of a rival gang in their direction.
"We've been forced to expand our infirmary unit nearly tenfold in the last week," chief nurse Margaret Hodge said. "Unfortunately, the arrival of rhinoceros mating season has made things worse, leading to the gruesome deaths of almost 50 inmates in our communal showers."
According to officials, the institution has also suffered from three recent breakout attempts, including an ill-fated effort last Friday by Enrique Gonzalez, 36, to scale a reticulated giraffe up and over the compound's barbed-wire perimeter fencing. In addition, a 280-pound Bengal tiger was accidentally granted parole after its file was confused with that of mail-fraud convict Cole Bucholz, 47.
Since the merger, officials at San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve have received a record 600 requests from inmates wishing to be transferred to another maximum-security facility. In addition, officials have received 20 requests from inmates begging to have the dates of their execution pushed forward.
"I've been in a number of prisons in my life, but nothing compares to this," said inmate Casey Ingersoll, who despite previously committing violent murders was still horrified after witnessing a fellow convict ambushed by three Komodo dragons. "If I stay here much longer, I'll have to join up with either the Anteaters or White Supremacists for protection."
While many local residents support the new facility, particularly due to the large number of jobs it has created, some have recently spoken out against the Zoological & Convict Reserve.
"To see all those poor souls forced to live in confined living quarters, with little to no sunlight, and no hope of freedom, it's just so inhumane," San Diego housewife Carol Wurster said. "Those otters deserve better."
The San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve's formation has been the most controvercial merger since Orlando's SeaWorld and the Ryan E. Puttnam Mental Asylum were hastily consolidated earlier this year.
The new state-of-the-art facility—which will house 12 separate cell blocks, a reptile house, two weight rooms, and a primate sanctuary—is expected to save the state of California up to $5 million in operation costs over the next year.
"It is with great pride that I announce the opening of the San Diego Maximum Security Zoological & Convict Reserve," director David Hennessey said at an opening ceremony Tuesday. "From southern white rhinos to repeat offenders serving 20 years for drug trafficking—you'll find them all here at our amazing new facility."
Construction on the resource-sharing project concluded last Wednesday, after which felons and fauna were carefully transferred to their new joint living space. According to Hennessey, the 40-acre facility features one of the largest collections of migratory birds, hoofed mammals, and hardened inmates in all of North America.
"This is, without a doubt, the only facility of its kind," said warden Jeff Thurston, noting the zoo-prison's authentic natural environments and thick bullet-proof glass. "At any given time, visitors may be able to spot as many as three parole violators and up to five adult black bears in the same holding cell. During scheduled feedings, that number may be even higher."
The San Diego complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons and state-appointed defense lawyers, and is expected to help boost the city's struggling tourism industry. Thurston said that visitors have so far responded favorably to the new facility, with many citing the "Emperor Penguin And Death Row" exhibit as their personal favorite.
The complex will reportedly also feature a number of "Scared Straight" talks each week, during which young visitors will simultaneously learn about the dangers of breaking the law, as well as what happens when a male lowland gorilla suddenly feels threatened.
"I got to see the little baby pandas, and the monkeys, and the zebras," said 8-year-old Michael Nayman, who was taken by his mother to the part-zoo, part-prison compound. "And then I went and saw Daddy. But he wasn't as much fun as the pandas. He just sat in his cage and cried a little."
Despite a positive opening day, officials admitted that the San Diego facility has experienced a number of setbacks. On Tuesday, a scuffle in the shared cafeteria forced officials to fire a series of elephant-tranquilizer shots, leaving three inmates unconscious for days. In addition, a red-tailed Indonesian peacock was found stabbed to death on Thursday, after a group of prisoners accused the three-foot-tall bird of flashing colors of a rival gang in their direction.
"We've been forced to expand our infirmary unit nearly tenfold in the last week," chief nurse Margaret Hodge said. "Unfortunately, the arrival of rhinoceros mating season has made things worse, leading to the gruesome deaths of almost 50 inmates in our communal showers."
According to officials, the institution has also suffered from three recent breakout attempts, including an ill-fated effort last Friday by Enrique Gonzalez, 36, to scale a reticulated giraffe up and over the compound's barbed-wire perimeter fencing. In addition, a 280-pound Bengal tiger was accidentally granted parole after its file was confused with that of mail-fraud convict Cole Bucholz, 47.
Since the merger, officials at San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve have received a record 600 requests from inmates wishing to be transferred to another maximum-security facility. In addition, officials have received 20 requests from inmates begging to have the dates of their execution pushed forward.
"I've been in a number of prisons in my life, but nothing compares to this," said inmate Casey Ingersoll, who despite previously committing violent murders was still horrified after witnessing a fellow convict ambushed by three Komodo dragons. "If I stay here much longer, I'll have to join up with either the Anteaters or White Supremacists for protection."
While many local residents support the new facility, particularly due to the large number of jobs it has created, some have recently spoken out against the Zoological & Convict Reserve.
"To see all those poor souls forced to live in confined living quarters, with little to no sunlight, and no hope of freedom, it's just so inhumane," San Diego housewife Carol Wurster said. "Those otters deserve better."
The San Diego Zoological & Convict Reserve's formation has been the most controvercial merger since Orlando's SeaWorld and the Ryan E. Puttnam Mental Asylum were hastily consolidated earlier this year.
Obama, Clinton, McCain Join Forces To Form Nightmare Ticket
WASHINGTON—Presidential hopefuls John McCain (R-AZ), Barack Obama (D-IL), and Hillary Clinton (D-NY) announced Monday their plans to form what many Beltway observers have already dubbed the "2008 Nightmare Ticket," a calculated move that political analysts say offers voters the worst of both worlds.
After nearly a year of verbal attacks and negative campaign ads, the nominees announced that, for the good of the country, they were willing to push their differences to the forefront and grant the American people the ticket they've been dreading all along.
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"No other ticket is capable of rallying this nation around a clearer, more unified message of chaos and hopelessness," the candidates said in unison from three separate podiums, each adorned with its own American flag arrangement and personal message. "Together, we will lead this nation into the future—a future where absolute deadlock over even the most minute decisions and total inefficiency on matters of the war, the economy, and the environment will launch a bold new age of confusion and social decay. For America, the only choice is [indecipherable]!"
The candidates said they had not yet decided who would fill the offices of president, vice president, and a new post the nominees are calling "the middle president." They did, however, confirm that each would choose his or her own full cabinet, would be able to veto any bills the others sign into law, and would reserve the right to cast the tie-breaking, tie-making, and tie-rebreaking votes in the Senate.
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The candidates on a campaign stop in Kansas.
"This nightmare ticket presents the American people with an unprecedented lack of opportunity in 2008," Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen wrote Tuesday. "For just one vote, citizens will get four years of McCain's brilliant temper, the incredible inexperience of Barack Obama, and the powerful two-headed monster of Hillary and Bill Clinton."
"It will be very exciting to see what they're capable of destroying, " Cohen added.
According to campaign managers, the triple ticket will run on a revolutionary new platform crafted during three highly contentious weeks in April.
At the top of the platform is a military strategy calling for the phased withdrawal of .000006 brigades from Iraq and Afghanistan every seven months over the next 350 years. Universal health care would also be provided, taken away on McCain's birthday, and then provided again only to those wealthy enough to afford it. Abortions would be made available on every other even-numbered Friday from 3:00 to 4:00 p.m. EST to all women who can prove residency in Alaska or Nevada. And an entirely new immigration policy will be instituted, sources said, as soon as the candidates can stand to be in the same room with one another for more than five minutes.
Aides to Sen. Clinton also confirmed that the trio plans to create two separate federal governments—one large and one small—which would be instituted within the first 100 days of the Clinton/McCain/Obama White House or, according to Obama chief strategist David Axelrod, the Obama/McCain/Clinton White House.
"Getting three political all-stars together like this is a clear lose-lose-lose situation for everyone involved," NBC correspondent Andrea Mitchell said. "By themselves, none would have been capable of uniting the country. But the possibilities of what they could do together to drive it ever further apart are limitless."
A CBS News/New York Times poll taken after the announcement revealed that the nightmare ticket has invigorated almost all voters, inspiring blacks, whites, senior citizens, college graduates, liberals, conservatives, both blue-collar and white-collar workers, and military veterans alike to remain at home by the millions this November, exercising their American right not to vote.
"So now a vote for Clinton is also a vote for McCain and Obama?" 43-year-old West Virginia resident Joe Biller said. "Jesus Christ."
Added Biller. "Looks like I'll be going with Nader/LaRouche/Sharpton/Ventura/Edwards after all."
Nation's Poorest 1% Now Controls Two-Nation's Poorest 1% Now Controls Two-Thirds Of U.S. Soda Can WealthThirds Of U.S. Soda Can Wealth
WASHINGTON—A report on growing disparities in the concentration of U.S. aluminum-can wealth, released Tuesday by the Department of Commerce, revealed that 66 percent of the nation's recyclable assets are now held by the poorest 1 percent of the population.
According to the sobering report, the disproportionate distribution of soda-can wealth is greater than ever before, and has become one of the worst instances of economic inequality in the nation's history. Data showed that over-salvaging of cans by a small and elite group of can-horders has created a steadily growing and possibly unbridgeable gap between the rich and the mega-poor.
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"Although our nation's upper middle class actually consumes the most beverages, a staggering percentage of these cans wind up in the hands of a very few," said economist Cynthia Pierce, who worked as a consultant on the three-year, $14 million government study. "It's a troubling trend. And as a tiny fraction of the population continues to maintain its stranglehold on redeemable can wealth, it's a trend that shows no sign of slowing."
According to Pierce, the study points to a distinct economic advantage for the most can-affluent—those who possess the resources necessary to collect, transport, separate, and accumulate more and more cans than the rest of the population.
"Members of this exclusive group come from exceedingly poor backgrounds and have access to outrageously low levels of education, which makes them much better prepared to reap the benefits of digging around in garbage," Pierce added.
The report details several key factors involved in the lopsided distribution of container wealth, including aggressive foraging, which leads to higher returns on deposits and a tendency to reinvest can profits in additional redeemables, such as beer. In addition, the report found that those involved in the returnable-gathering industry often minimize financial risk by diversifying between aluminum cans and glass-bottle holdings.
While less than 1 percent of Americans own the domestic rights to a majority of Coca-Cola and Pepsi cans, this same group has also cornered the international market by branching out into such imported container commodities as Fanta and Perrier.
"The typical American spends an average of $65 on beverages for every dollar he or she earns back through redeemable deposits, and the rest of that money goes to the country's can and bottle barons," the report stated. "Americans who are at a foraging disadvantage due to over-employment and home ownership therefore have limited access to these discarded commodities, causing the market to unfairly favor those with an exclusively disposables income."
Perhaps more alarming, the report continued, the can monopoly enjoyed by the poorest 1 percent has been unintentionally buoyed by millions of environment-conscious Americans who leave plastic bags full of recycling in front of their homes, which are in turn preyed upon by enterprising collectors.
"These people were born into a lifestyle, often going back generations, where any can left on the street is seen as their birthright, whether they purchased it or not," Houston resident Dale Palmer said. "They have the knowledge and ability to get out there and scoop up all the good cans before anyone even knew they were there."
The vast disparity in can-wealth distribution is difficult to understand for many Americans. Most people, according to the report, cannot relate to the lifestyles of the super-poor, who never have to go to work, pay a mortgage, or struggle to find money for rent.
One canned individual cited in the study is can tycoon Will Dorsey, a 33-year-old Detroit resident who spent his childhood living off the funds collected from his family's vast can holdings. At the age of 16, Dorsey inherited five carts and dozens of garbage bags overflowing with recyclables when his father passed away unexpectedly one cold December morning.
According to economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, people like Dorsey, who maintain an ultra-poor lifestyle that is vastly different from the rest of the population, are egregiously out of touch with the everyday economic realities of mainstream America.
"Dorsey is one of those select few who come from old can money," Krugman said. "They're just hoarding their assets so nobody else can benefit. And then they parade down the street with their carts full of recycling."
In the wake of the report's disturbing findings, many citizens claim to feel exploited by those who convert their discarded property into cash or change without sharing the incredible profits.
"It's not fair," Chicago native Melissa Arnold said. "Something should be done to even the playing field."
In an attempt to mitigate the disparities in soda-can wealth distribution, Congress is currently exploring numerous options, including levying an 80 percent tax on the incomes of those possessing 100 or more refundable containers, with the ultimate goal of eliminating all recycling programs by 2010.
According to the sobering report, the disproportionate distribution of soda-can wealth is greater than ever before, and has become one of the worst instances of economic inequality in the nation's history. Data showed that over-salvaging of cans by a small and elite group of can-horders has created a steadily growing and possibly unbridgeable gap between the rich and the mega-poor.
Enlarge Image
"Although our nation's upper middle class actually consumes the most beverages, a staggering percentage of these cans wind up in the hands of a very few," said economist Cynthia Pierce, who worked as a consultant on the three-year, $14 million government study. "It's a troubling trend. And as a tiny fraction of the population continues to maintain its stranglehold on redeemable can wealth, it's a trend that shows no sign of slowing."
According to Pierce, the study points to a distinct economic advantage for the most can-affluent—those who possess the resources necessary to collect, transport, separate, and accumulate more and more cans than the rest of the population.
"Members of this exclusive group come from exceedingly poor backgrounds and have access to outrageously low levels of education, which makes them much better prepared to reap the benefits of digging around in garbage," Pierce added.
The report details several key factors involved in the lopsided distribution of container wealth, including aggressive foraging, which leads to higher returns on deposits and a tendency to reinvest can profits in additional redeemables, such as beer. In addition, the report found that those involved in the returnable-gathering industry often minimize financial risk by diversifying between aluminum cans and glass-bottle holdings.
While less than 1 percent of Americans own the domestic rights to a majority of Coca-Cola and Pepsi cans, this same group has also cornered the international market by branching out into such imported container commodities as Fanta and Perrier.
"The typical American spends an average of $65 on beverages for every dollar he or she earns back through redeemable deposits, and the rest of that money goes to the country's can and bottle barons," the report stated. "Americans who are at a foraging disadvantage due to over-employment and home ownership therefore have limited access to these discarded commodities, causing the market to unfairly favor those with an exclusively disposables income."
Perhaps more alarming, the report continued, the can monopoly enjoyed by the poorest 1 percent has been unintentionally buoyed by millions of environment-conscious Americans who leave plastic bags full of recycling in front of their homes, which are in turn preyed upon by enterprising collectors.
"These people were born into a lifestyle, often going back generations, where any can left on the street is seen as their birthright, whether they purchased it or not," Houston resident Dale Palmer said. "They have the knowledge and ability to get out there and scoop up all the good cans before anyone even knew they were there."
The vast disparity in can-wealth distribution is difficult to understand for many Americans. Most people, according to the report, cannot relate to the lifestyles of the super-poor, who never have to go to work, pay a mortgage, or struggle to find money for rent.
One canned individual cited in the study is can tycoon Will Dorsey, a 33-year-old Detroit resident who spent his childhood living off the funds collected from his family's vast can holdings. At the age of 16, Dorsey inherited five carts and dozens of garbage bags overflowing with recyclables when his father passed away unexpectedly one cold December morning.
According to economist and New York Times columnist Paul Krugman, people like Dorsey, who maintain an ultra-poor lifestyle that is vastly different from the rest of the population, are egregiously out of touch with the everyday economic realities of mainstream America.
"Dorsey is one of those select few who come from old can money," Krugman said. "They're just hoarding their assets so nobody else can benefit. And then they parade down the street with their carts full of recycling."
In the wake of the report's disturbing findings, many citizens claim to feel exploited by those who convert their discarded property into cash or change without sharing the incredible profits.
"It's not fair," Chicago native Melissa Arnold said. "Something should be done to even the playing field."
In an attempt to mitigate the disparities in soda-can wealth distribution, Congress is currently exploring numerous options, including levying an 80 percent tax on the incomes of those possessing 100 or more refundable containers, with the ultimate goal of eliminating all recycling programs by 2010.
5/02/2008
Portable Cities And Bubble Existences
Interesting thoughts from Nick Currie’s blog, playing off a Vito Acconci rant about the changing concepts of cities and locality: He proposes that being in the physical space of a city becomes less relevant when you can have all of the information and idea-resources at your fingertips with a computer.
“A computer makes a city seem almost unnecessary,” Acconci says. “If you can have all the information in front of you on a computer, do you need the actual city? The notions of a city now don’t seem as separate from notions of “suburb” and notions of “rural” as they used to. “City” is seen to be spreading… maybe a city starts to be more portable. If you can carry all the information from a city, does that mean you carry the city with you rather than you go into a city? Do you carry your own city, does each person now have the possibility of carrying a portable city rather than installing himself or herself in an actual city?”
Currie also questions what local really means. When it’s possible to create your own mix and match “bubble existence” out of whatever culture or mico-tribe you best fit in with (either online, or in a physical space), the notions of a cohesive local neighborhood culture begins to fall apart.
Because of globalisation, immigration, computers, your “local experience” can now consist entirely of foreigners. Most of my local business encounters in Neukolln are with Turks, most of my socialisation with Japanese. The cut-rate atomic German city I live in half the time has been cut-and-pasted, sliced and diced, filtered and fixed, almost as much as the bit-rate digital city I live in the other half.
and from the blog’s comments:
I feel like the music scene I’m part of is a lot more a “virtual” scene than one based in any city. Half of us spend the majority of their time on the road, but we all know each other and collaborate and play shows with each other and keep track of each other online. It’s exactly what the concept of a music scene has always been except without the common locality.
What does this mean for society if everyone starts living this kind of collage life? Although this distributed living can be good for the bubble culture itself, I’m wondering if it hurts the stability of the physical local culture?
“A computer makes a city seem almost unnecessary,” Acconci says. “If you can have all the information in front of you on a computer, do you need the actual city? The notions of a city now don’t seem as separate from notions of “suburb” and notions of “rural” as they used to. “City” is seen to be spreading… maybe a city starts to be more portable. If you can carry all the information from a city, does that mean you carry the city with you rather than you go into a city? Do you carry your own city, does each person now have the possibility of carrying a portable city rather than installing himself or herself in an actual city?”
Currie also questions what local really means. When it’s possible to create your own mix and match “bubble existence” out of whatever culture or mico-tribe you best fit in with (either online, or in a physical space), the notions of a cohesive local neighborhood culture begins to fall apart.
Because of globalisation, immigration, computers, your “local experience” can now consist entirely of foreigners. Most of my local business encounters in Neukolln are with Turks, most of my socialisation with Japanese. The cut-rate atomic German city I live in half the time has been cut-and-pasted, sliced and diced, filtered and fixed, almost as much as the bit-rate digital city I live in the other half.
and from the blog’s comments:
I feel like the music scene I’m part of is a lot more a “virtual” scene than one based in any city. Half of us spend the majority of their time on the road, but we all know each other and collaborate and play shows with each other and keep track of each other online. It’s exactly what the concept of a music scene has always been except without the common locality.
What does this mean for society if everyone starts living this kind of collage life? Although this distributed living can be good for the bubble culture itself, I’m wondering if it hurts the stability of the physical local culture?
Local Food, Processed In China
The article in the New York Times on the environmental cost of shipping groceries highlights another trend when it comes to food. The article suggests that efficient transportation and disparity of costs around the world fuel a trend where food produced locally is shipped or flown around the world to get processed before being returned. The paper says:
Cod caught off Norway is shipped to China to be turned into filets, then shipped back to Norway for sale… The economics are compelling. For example, Norwegian cod costs a manufacturer $1.36 a pound to process in Europe, but only 23 cents a pound in Asia. The ability to transport food cheaply has given rise to new and booming businesses.
Cod caught off Norway is shipped to China to be turned into filets, then shipped back to Norway for sale… The economics are compelling. For example, Norwegian cod costs a manufacturer $1.36 a pound to process in Europe, but only 23 cents a pound in Asia. The ability to transport food cheaply has given rise to new and booming businesses.
Man In Inner Tube Completes First Lazy Transatlantic Journey
LA ROCHELLE, FRANCE—Arriving to the cheers of thousands of excited onlookers gathered at the Les Minimes marina to witness history in the making, insurance-claims adjuster Gary Morgan, 42, completed the first nonstop leisurely solo float across the Atlantic Ocean in an inflated rubber tube Tuesday.
After departing six weeks ago from Rockaway Beach in New York, the courageously relaxed father of three drifted through tumultuous waters for 3,012 nautical miles to set a new world record and relieve some of the tension caused by his screaming children.
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The people of France give Morgan a hero's welcome.
"That was great," Morgan said moments after the thunderous applause of the crowd awoke him. "Boy, I really needed it."
"I think I might go in again a little later," Morgan added. "It's such a relaxing and fun way to travel around."
With unknown dangers behind every wave, Morgan began his epic journey by cautiously dipping his toes into the Atlantic Ocean and easing his plump frame into the circular tube that would glide him into the history books. Morgan faced his first challenge days later when, floating along the southern coast of Newfoundland, the incessant scraping of his tube against the side of the island repeatedly woke him. After several failed attempts to keep his eyes shut, Morgan finally had to push off the landmass with his feet and drift back out to sea.
Halfway through the modern odyssey, Morgan was swept up in the powerful North Atlantic Current, which spun the tiny inflatable craft around and forced him to travel facing backwards for two weeks—a setback that was only mitigated by the fact that it allowed Morgan to receive a more even tan as the sun beat down on him.
"Come to think of it, I probably should have put some lotion on my shoulders," Morgan said. "I did get a little pink."
He then drifted west of Ireland where his tube bumped into an ocean liner and was redirected into the Canary Current, which took him to his final destination in France while he ate a bologna sandwich he had packed for the trip.
Although he claimed he was never frightened during the milestone voyage, Morgan admitted that his biggest challenge was staying alert and awake.
"I was dozing on and off for the first 1,000 miles or so," Morgan said. "It really zonked me out. You close your eyes and the next thing you know the ride is over."
While Morgan did prepare for the perilous journey with loose-fitting swim trunks, some zinc for his nose, and a book of word-search puzzles, he largely shunned the use of modern navigational equipment. Instead, the brave pioneer accomplished the incredible nautical feat by allowing his tube to meander at its own pace across the ocean, only adjusting the tack every several days by lightly paddling with his hand.
"You just have to go with the flow," said Morgan, adding that at one point his sunglasses fell into the water, but he knew he had to continue to float on. "Battling the elements will just make you uptight and then you'll never unwind."
Morgan is also credited with a number of groundbreaking methods for making himself more comfortable as he bobbed along the North Atlantic's most dangerous swells, including floating on his back, lying on his stomach, and clinging to the top while dangling his legs through the hole.
Morgan said he only had to splash some water on his face to cool off about every 100 miles, since the weather throughout the soothing intercontinental journey was "real fine." At one point, however, he did grow concerned when he floated into a powerful storm that threatened to blow his tube to the destination too quickly.
"I was like, 'Settle down, I don't want to get there too fast,'" Morgan said. "There was a pretty annoying rain storm, too. It really watered down my Coke."
On Wednesday, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg announced that the city will honor Morgan's epic float with a concert and a ticker-tape parade, at the end of which America's laziest hero will be given the Medal of Valor and a solid gold chaise lounge.
5/01/2008
Atlantic City Cocktail Waitress Crowned In Mistress USA Pageant
TRENTON, NJ—Lacey Lauderdale, a 25-year-old cocktail waitress at the Showboat Casino & Hotel in Atlantic City, was named the winner of the 2008 Mistress USA Pageant, a competition held each year since 1954 to honor the country's most beautiful and talented other women.
The clandestine pageant took place Sunday evening in a New Jersey motel room off Exit 23, shortly after the nation's males told their wives they were going out bowling with some friends. Sixty-three mistresses—one representing each state and 14 representing Carson City, NV—competed for the coveted crown, traditionally awarded to the woman who best exemplifies the qualities of youth, sexiness, and having large breasts.
"We are proud to present Ms. Lauderdale with the grand prize of one year's rent, a basket of erotic massage oils, and this red lace undergarment, which she must try on right now," said the Mistress USA chairman, who identified himself only as "Mr. R." "Lacey, we admire you for your dedication to not getting emotionally involved with the nation, and for your willingness to do things my wife would never try in a million years. Now twirl around a little so we can get the view from the back."
The 62 losing contestants were then told to get lost.
Lauderdale became eligible to enter the Mistress USA Pageant last October, when she was crowned Miss One-Night Stand New Jersey. She joined a field of mistresses from all different backgrounds and walks of life—waitresses, secretaries, hostesses, and even bar girls. Lauderdale excelled in nearly every event, including the swimsuit competition, the evening-wear- removal competition, and giving hand jobs.
She also received the high score from judges Adam Carolla, 47-year-old accountant Cy Weintraub from Chicago, and former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani. The mistresses were rated in areas such as firmness/roundness of breasts, color of hair, level of economic dependence, willingness to answer to the name "Hazel," and then their breasts again. The talent portion of the competition was phased out in 1974.
"I can't believe I went from being a cocktail waitress to being Mistress USA," Lauderdale said after the ceremony. "Dreams do come true."
While she received the highest score in pageant history, Lauderdale faltered in the Q&A portion of the competition, giving less than satisfactory answers to the hypothetical questions "How would you act if you ever ran into me and my wife at the grocery store?" and "How many times have I told you not to call the house phone?!"
Last year's Mistress USA, Tiffani Saunders of Miami, was on hand at the event to present Lauderdale with the ceremonial Mistress USA sash and cab fare home.
"I think Lacey will do a fine job as Mistress USA," said Saunders, who has been instructed to go live with her mother and raise the kid on her own. "I just hope she knows that while the job can be fun at times, it is also really, really exhausting work."
On Friday, Lauderdale embarks on a nationwide tour, during which she will meet with admiring men from around the country in roadside hotels, shopping-mall bathrooms, and other discreet locations. Historically, the main duties of Mistress USA have included standing there and looking pretty, not giving American males a hard time, light clerical work, and keeping her damn mouth shut.
Though most men claimed they "could not wait" to meet Mistress USA, some were disappointed with the decision.
"I would have preferred Mistress Missouri, just because she's a little bit closer," said a Missouri husband and father of two who wished to remain anonymous. "But honestly, I'm just excited about the possibility of having sex with someone who is not my wife."
He added: "After all, that's what this competition is all about."
Just two days after being awarded the title, however, Lauderdale's Cinderella story was mired in controversy when the New York Post revealed that the new Mistress USA had never worked as a stripper.
The clandestine pageant took place Sunday evening in a New Jersey motel room off Exit 23, shortly after the nation's males told their wives they were going out bowling with some friends. Sixty-three mistresses—one representing each state and 14 representing Carson City, NV—competed for the coveted crown, traditionally awarded to the woman who best exemplifies the qualities of youth, sexiness, and having large breasts.
"We are proud to present Ms. Lauderdale with the grand prize of one year's rent, a basket of erotic massage oils, and this red lace undergarment, which she must try on right now," said the Mistress USA chairman, who identified himself only as "Mr. R." "Lacey, we admire you for your dedication to not getting emotionally involved with the nation, and for your willingness to do things my wife would never try in a million years. Now twirl around a little so we can get the view from the back."
The 62 losing contestants were then told to get lost.
Lauderdale became eligible to enter the Mistress USA Pageant last October, when she was crowned Miss One-Night Stand New Jersey. She joined a field of mistresses from all different backgrounds and walks of life—waitresses, secretaries, hostesses, and even bar girls. Lauderdale excelled in nearly every event, including the swimsuit competition, the evening-wear- removal competition, and giving hand jobs.
She also received the high score from judges Adam Carolla, 47-year-old accountant Cy Weintraub from Chicago, and former New York City mayor Rudolph Giuliani. The mistresses were rated in areas such as firmness/roundness of breasts, color of hair, level of economic dependence, willingness to answer to the name "Hazel," and then their breasts again. The talent portion of the competition was phased out in 1974.
"I can't believe I went from being a cocktail waitress to being Mistress USA," Lauderdale said after the ceremony. "Dreams do come true."
While she received the highest score in pageant history, Lauderdale faltered in the Q&A portion of the competition, giving less than satisfactory answers to the hypothetical questions "How would you act if you ever ran into me and my wife at the grocery store?" and "How many times have I told you not to call the house phone?!"
Last year's Mistress USA, Tiffani Saunders of Miami, was on hand at the event to present Lauderdale with the ceremonial Mistress USA sash and cab fare home.
"I think Lacey will do a fine job as Mistress USA," said Saunders, who has been instructed to go live with her mother and raise the kid on her own. "I just hope she knows that while the job can be fun at times, it is also really, really exhausting work."
On Friday, Lauderdale embarks on a nationwide tour, during which she will meet with admiring men from around the country in roadside hotels, shopping-mall bathrooms, and other discreet locations. Historically, the main duties of Mistress USA have included standing there and looking pretty, not giving American males a hard time, light clerical work, and keeping her damn mouth shut.
Though most men claimed they "could not wait" to meet Mistress USA, some were disappointed with the decision.
"I would have preferred Mistress Missouri, just because she's a little bit closer," said a Missouri husband and father of two who wished to remain anonymous. "But honestly, I'm just excited about the possibility of having sex with someone who is not my wife."
He added: "After all, that's what this competition is all about."
Just two days after being awarded the title, however, Lauderdale's Cinderella story was mired in controversy when the New York Post revealed that the new Mistress USA had never worked as a stripper.
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